funny people.

i surround myself


with hilarious people.


proof:






"life is a river.  and sometimes, a royal b-slap comes floating down that river." -- chris.


daniel: "hey, how come we never get reggie [the dog] any presents for christmas?"
dad: "because he doesn't believe in God."


"do you think you could suck on someone's eye socket so hard that it pops their eye out?" -- chris.


"well, i suppose mickey mouse IS bald..." -- jan.


liz: "i haven't been kissed in...wow, over a year."
ashley: "we need to find you a chew toy."


"utero.  that's a good bad guy name.  and his special power is that he spits afterbirth at you." -- chris.


"nothing like a creepy guy to drive you back to the one you didn't appreciate before."  -- melia.


"when i grow up, i want to be a freelance bikini waxer." -- chris.


ben: "you brought a tuxedo?"
corbett: "of course i did.  what do you think i am, a farmer?"


"i concussed a goose.  they woke me up during surgery and were like, "we need to see how hard you can hit" and they gave me a goose." -- chris


"eh.  it's not my cup of steeze." -- ben.


"40 bucks??  that won't even pay for one firework at my funeral!!" -- braxton.


jordan: "i gotta pee."
jon: "go pee your heart out!"
jordan: "ugh, that would be worse than a kidney stone."
chris: "nope.  hearts are more malleable."


"don't kill the bug!  it could die if you kill it!!" -- a first grader i worked with once.


corbett: "i'm gonna shave your face with this lighter."
ben: "i've done that!"


"braxton's mom knows the patronus spell, and she can chase away dementors!  her patronus is a slowpoke.  or maybe a dewgong.  DEWGONG.  ICE BEAM." -- chris.


"did you know that if you plant a turd, you'll grow a papaya tree?" -- lindsay.


kyle: "i want some almond milk."
liz: "how do you milk an almond??"
corbett: "what, like you've never milked an almond?"


"am i the only one that has a moltres in their wallet?" -- ben.


"ps: you guys haven't given me any money lately.  this friendship is going nowhere." -- chris.


"when i was little, i thought your bosom was your butt.  so i always got really confused when the scriptures said you get a burning in your bosom." -- brenna.


jon: "liz, i could never marry you."
liz: "what??  i would be a ballin' wife, you know that!!"
rob: "a bawling wife?"


"look, i'm a sexy gargoyle!" -- jon.


liz: "how the heck did this movie earn a sequel?"
chris: "it probably ends in a sea of boobs.  that's the only explanation."


"this road is bumpy.  like an asteroid field." -- corbett.


"there are two kinds of people in this world.  those who see alan rickman and think, 'snape'!  and those who look at him and think, 'hans gruber'!  i prefer the second type." -- braxton.


"kiss my ring.  not the ring on my hand, you are not worthy.  kiss my toe ring." -- chris.


kyle: "how did mary poppins get her powers?"
corbett: "she was a prostitute that had relations with a wizard."


"when in doubt, be a champ; like me." -- brenna.


liz: "a tickle tickle tickle!"
chris: "a slappy slappy slap!"


"stop it, or you won't get your birthday!!" -- a first grader i worked with once.


liz: "you're full of crap!"
lindsay: "everyone is full of crap."
chris: "not me.  i clear my colon every hour."


"there's a creature in my hot fudge!!  i have to blog about this..." -- lindsay.


"my humor is like a fine wine.  people have been known to get drunk on my jokes." -- chris.


liz: "oh no!  reggie [the dog] just kicked over the pile of folded clothes!"
dad: "tattletale."


"you can't spell turd without u." -- chris.


"i think we should start a secret society where if anyone says elmo, we punch them in the kidneys super hard." -- braxton.


liz: "you guys can't say that brad pitt is sexy!  you're all straight!!"
chris: "as in, i'm headed straight for the next boy i see!"


liz: "i wonder why mulan climbed out of her blankets when she was wearing that bandage.  such a bad idea."
lindsay: "shang, i have two good reasons for you to send me home."


"i don't have enough middle fingers to tell you exactly how that made me feel." -- rhonda-lady.


"is that guy naked or is he just wearing khaki colored everything?" -- chris


"liz, i don't know how you're going to write everything funny that i say on your blog.  i'm like...a witbox.  i'm a box of wit." -- kyle.








i can pretty much guarantee that more will follow.


my friends and my family are stinking funny.


obviously.