tiger bomb.: May 2012

i surround myself

with hilarious people.

proof:

"life is a river. and sometimes, a royal b-slap comes floating down that river." -- chris.

daniel: "hey, how come we never get reggie [the dog] any presents for christmas?"
dad: "because he doesn't believe in God."

"do you think you could suck on someone's eye socket so hard that it pops their eye out?" -- chris.

"well, i suppose mickey mouse IS bald..." -- jan.

liz: "i haven't been kissed in...wow, over a year."
ashley: "we need to find you a chew toy."

"utero. that's a good bad guy name. and his special power is that he spits afterbirth at you." -- chris.

"nothing like a creepy guy to drive you back to the one you didn't appreciate before." -- melia.

"when i grow up, i want to be a freelance bikini waxer." -- chris.

ben: "you brought a tuxedo?"
corbett: "of course i did. what do you think i am, a farmer?"

"i concussed a goose. they woke me up during surgery and were like, "we need to see how hard you can hit" and they gave me a goose." -- chris

"eh. it's not my cup of steeze." -- ben.

"40 bucks?? that won't even pay for one firework at my funeral!!" -- braxton.

jordan: "i gotta pee."
jon: "go pee your heart out!"
jordan: "ugh, that would be worse than a kidney stone."
chris: "nope. hearts are more malleable."

"don't kill the bug! it could die if you kill it!!" -- a first grader i worked with once.

corbett: "i'm gonna shave your face with this lighter."
ben: "i've done that!"

"braxton's mom knows the patronus spell, and she can chase away dementors! her patronus is a slowpoke. or maybe a dewgong. DEWGONG. ICE BEAM." -- chris.

"did you know that if you plant a turd, you'll grow a papaya tree?" -- lindsay.

kyle: "i want some almond milk."
liz: "how do you milk an almond??"
corbett: "what, like you've never milked an almond?"

"am i the only one that has a moltres in their wallet?" -- ben.

"ps: you guys haven't given me any money lately. this friendship is going nowhere." -- chris.

"when i was little, i thought your bosom was your butt. so i always got really confused when the scriptures said you get a burning in your bosom." -- brenna.

jon: "liz, i could never marry you."
liz: "what?? i would be a ballin' wife, you know that!!"
rob: "a bawling wife?"

"look, i'm a sexy gargoyle!" -- jon.

liz: "how the heck did this movie earn a sequel?"
chris: "it probably ends in a sea of boobs. that's the only explanation."

"this road is bumpy. like an asteroid field." -- corbett.

"there are two kinds of people in this world. those who see alan rickman and think, 'snape'! and those who look at him and think, 'hans gruber'! i prefer the second type." -- braxton.

"kiss my ring. not the ring on my hand, you are not worthy. kiss my toe ring." -- chris.

kyle: "how did mary poppins get her powers?"
corbett: "she was a prostitute that had relations with a wizard."

"when in doubt, be a champ; like me." -- brenna.

liz: "a tickle tickle tickle!"
chris: "a slappy slappy slap!"

"stop it, or you won't get your birthday!!" -- a first grader i worked with once.

liz: "you're full of crap!"
lindsay: "everyone is full of crap."
chris: "not me. i clear my colon every hour."

"there's a creature in my hot fudge!! i have to blog about this..." -- lindsay.

"my humor is like a fine wine. people have been known to get drunk on my jokes." -- chris.

liz: "oh no! reggie [the dog] just kicked over the pile of folded clothes!"
dad: "tattletale."

"you can't spell turd without u." -- chris.

"i think we should start a secret society where if anyone says elmo, we punch them in the kidneys super hard." -- braxton.

liz: "you guys can't say that brad pitt is sexy! you're all straight!!"
chris: "as in, i'm headed straight for the next boy i see!"

liz: "i wonder why mulan climbed out of her blankets when she was wearing that bandage. such a bad idea."
lindsay: "shang, i have two good reasons for you to send me home."

"i don't have enough middle fingers to tell you exactly how that made me feel." -- rhonda-lady.

"is that guy naked or is he just wearing khaki colored everything?" -- chris

"liz, i don't know how you're going to write everything funny that i say on your blog. i'm like...a witbox. i'm a box of wit." -- kyle.

i can pretty much guarantee that more will follow.

my friends and my family are stinking funny.

obviously.