mystery texter

alternate title: how to not woo liz.


recently i got a text from a number i didn't recognize.

come to find out that the person had the wrong number.

but he kept texting me anyways!

and it was fairly amusing...albeit a little invasive.


here is the conversation we had:




Hey girl

heyyyy...who's this?

What lol its timothy i went skydivving i cryed out of my right eye n peed a little bit lol lol what are you doing

where did i meet you?

Oh wait lol i got the wn 810 not 801 dont tell anybody i cryed lol sorry have a great night i hope i didnt woke u

you didn't wake me.   :)  better luck with your bladder!

Thats funny i went 3 time n happen all the time lol have u ever been?

hahaha, you should probably stop going.  or clear your bladder first.  i've actually never been, but i want to!

Where the heck am i texting to anyway

utah!

Wow that far what time is it there

11:43pm.  where are you?

Am in flor right now at 2 in the mor could sleep hurt my foot runing what are you doing up

florida??  go to bed!  it's not even late here.

Yes but am from michagin r u in college i play cards 4 aliving

i am!  and you play cards, huh?  what kind?

Texa hold um soul sister lol what do u go to college 4

Texas hold em

that's cool!  i'm learning radiology tech.

Your a smart one a lol lol do u play any sports or did u

well, i danced!  you?

I run swin i work out like 2hr a day do u want to text 4 alittle bit?  i cant sleep

oh cool!  and sure!  i'm not doing anything.  i'm liz, by the way.

Am timothy or tbone or milk face lol jk r u a girly girl or more like a tomboy that works on your gfs cars lol

haha!  well...i'm somewhere in between.  I like dresses and nail polish but i'm also an avid gamer.  you play games?

Alittle bit but i bit u could wipe my ass lol hey am phone broke but am going to text my brother n tell them to send me a pic of me n i will send it what the last book u read

haha, sounds good!  and i last read divergent.  it's really good!  what about you?

Dont laugh ok go a head lol the help

hey, i would never laugh at that sort of thing!  i've heard that's really good, but i've never read it.  too sad.  haha.  what's your favorite movie?

Do you praty

nice abs!  and no, not really.  XD

Wow that hard um some are swingers gridlockd a bronx tale goodfellas i love movie pony paw lol lol whats your

there are all kinds of filters on that picture, but that's more or less what i look like.  :)

Thanks n am a little cute 4 a white boy lol lol

Your cute do u want to kiss then u can go make me a hot pocket lol lol

haha!  and wow, i've never seen any of those!  i have a lot of favorites...the matrix, scott pilgrim vs the world, terminator 2, lord of the rings...nerdy stuff.  XD

thank you!  and no.  it'd be a little hard from here anyway.

I hope am makeing u smile little lady lol

Do u were your hair up alot?

yeah, that comment cracked me up cause i have no idea where it came from!  an no, i wear it down a lot too.

R u get sleepy

not really.  how bout you?

No but am going to get in bed do u want to text untell i fall a sleep monkey paw lol lol r u in bed

hahaha, monkey paw???  and sure, i'll keep texting you!  i'm eating and then i have to get ready for bed.  i'll be awake for a while!

Just a funny name lol r u a shy girl or out going

a little of both.  you don't seem very shy!

No i try to live life dont let it life me u know?  how tall r u

that's a cool attitude!  i like that.  i'm 5'8".  kinda tall.  you?

5 11 like 170?  can i ask u anything

cool cool.  and i may or may not answer...but you can ask me stuff, sure.

Do u got a bf

nope.  what about you?

Nope i seen my x in the club i dont know how to say it so am just going to talk like i do lol i hope u dont mine [to paraphrase...he caught his "x" cheating on him.] so i walked away n never talk to her again it been a year n she still texts me n i dont text her back lol

Most guy would have a fight i think

oh my gosh!!  that's horrible!  she still texts you?  that's annoying...

Yes i dont texts her back at all lol what do u were to bed the pj with the feet lol

well i'm glad you don't text her back.  and i actually do have footie pajamas!  but i mostly just wear pants and a tshirt.  nothing fancy.

Panties n a shirt?

nope.  pants.

To bed?  Oh like leges or something like that.

comfy pants.  pj pants.

Oh ok lol what do u think i were lol do u have a big fam

Do u like kissing or french kissing bether lol?

R u getting sleepy boo

hey, i just met you, you could be anyone for all i know!  :P  and i do have a big family...two brothers and four sisters.  and kissing is fine with me!

nope.  are you?

What did i say wrong?

Oh bec i ask guess what i were my bad

sorry, i didn't mean to be rude!

That ok i should go to bed b 4 ask u anything dumb lol

haha, well it is getting pretty late for you...are you tired yet?

No not at all i like text with puppy tail lol

haha, you'll be tired tomorrow!

No i play card 4 living so me sleep is all muss up lol plus i got to run at six so what happen with your last bf

oh, that's true!  nevermind then.  haha!  and as for my last boyfriend...he lost interest in me.  so whatever.

Do u know some guys just do that to hurt girls feeling?  Do u have a pic of u standing up

ehh, i'm over it.  i was really upset at the time, but i don't care anymore.  aaaaaand i'm not sure.  i'll check.

uhhh...this is all i have.  XD

ok Hes lost baby do live in a house

haha!  and yeah, i live with my parents at the moment, but i'll be moving into an apartment in a couple weeks.

Thats u?

Sweety u got a smokeing body

yeah...i was black widow for halloween.

hahaha!  you can hardly see it!

I know but i like it the thing i would do to u oh wait did i say that out loud loll

hahaha, oh my gosh.  XD

I told u i would say something dumb

how may guys have you been with?  Lol

ehhhhm...5, i think.  you?

12 i think [to paraphrase...he begins to tell me how to properly treat a woman.]

that's good!  not a lot of guys do that!

it's been rad talking to you!  i'm going to bed.  you should go to bed too.  :P

How old r u 20

24

Ok gn sweety

night!

Text me whenever u want ok

ok!  you too

I enjoy u tonight boo gn

the next day.

Am going runing now pimp walk lol have a great day

Hey how did u sleep

like a rock!  you?

I dont know about like a rock lol but ok lol did u just get up

no, i got up a couple hours ago.

R u a good cook

oh, definitely not!!

I will cook 4 u then lol

hahaha, okay!

Do u have any cats or dogs

i have a dog!  he's super cute.  you?

A pit called white boy lol what r u doing today

haha, i like it!  it's my dad's birthday.  what are you doing today?

Getting to know u better n idk lol

hahaha, cool!  sounds a little boring.  :P  haha

Your not bored boo can u do video on your phone

no.  my phone isn't that cool.  [a dirty rotten lie, but i did NOT want to start anything like that!]

I got to wait 2 month 4 a new one do u were skirts

that sucks.  and yes, i wear skirts to church.

Short or long

i don't like short skirts.

What about tight

i don't wear tight skirts either.

What your fav part of your body

i like my eyes

What your fav holyday

Do u want to talk tonight maybe

my favorite holiday is halloween!  and i'm actually going to be pretty busy tonight.

Babe last night dont be scaired lol <:)>

i don't know man.  it feels weird.  no offense!

Wow k

i'm shy.

K i thought something diff i wanted to get to know u n meet someday hey i was starting to like u am going to back off hun have a great weekend sweety

sorry, i didn't mean to be rude.  it was fun talking to you!

K

a couple hours later.

I miss texting with u boo

the next evening.

hey u r u up

and there you have it.  

i was fairly amused but creeped/grossed out at the same time.  

that's a stupid game i refuse to play.  

i kind of wish i had messed with him a little more...

like sent him a picture of a five-year-old or a crazy emo girl and saying it's me 

or telling him i wear lion suits to bed or something.  

oh well!  

to future suitors: don't talk to me like this.  

i won't play that game with you.  

i will play video games with you though!  

i also hope that you think reading is sexy.  

but yeah.  

i have a brain.  

please treat me as such. 

funny people.

i surround myself


with hilarious people.


proof:






"life is a river.  and sometimes, a royal b-slap comes floating down that river." -- chris.


daniel: "hey, how come we never get reggie [the dog] any presents for christmas?"
dad: "because he doesn't believe in God."


"do you think you could suck on someone's eye socket so hard that it pops their eye out?" -- chris.


"well, i suppose mickey mouse IS bald..." -- jan.


liz: "i haven't been kissed in...wow, over a year."
ashley: "we need to find you a chew toy."


"utero.  that's a good bad guy name.  and his special power is that he spits afterbirth at you." -- chris.


"nothing like a creepy guy to drive you back to the one you didn't appreciate before."  -- melia.


"when i grow up, i want to be a freelance bikini waxer." -- chris.


ben: "you brought a tuxedo?"
corbett: "of course i did.  what do you think i am, a farmer?"


"i concussed a goose.  they woke me up during surgery and were like, "we need to see how hard you can hit" and they gave me a goose." -- chris


"eh.  it's not my cup of steeze." -- ben.


"40 bucks??  that won't even pay for one firework at my funeral!!" -- braxton.


jordan: "i gotta pee."
jon: "go pee your heart out!"
jordan: "ugh, that would be worse than a kidney stone."
chris: "nope.  hearts are more malleable."


"don't kill the bug!  it could die if you kill it!!" -- a first grader i worked with once.


corbett: "i'm gonna shave your face with this lighter."
ben: "i've done that!"


"braxton's mom knows the patronus spell, and she can chase away dementors!  her patronus is a slowpoke.  or maybe a dewgong.  DEWGONG.  ICE BEAM." -- chris.


"did you know that if you plant a turd, you'll grow a papaya tree?" -- lindsay.


kyle: "i want some almond milk."
liz: "how do you milk an almond??"
corbett: "what, like you've never milked an almond?"


"am i the only one that has a moltres in their wallet?" -- ben.


"ps: you guys haven't given me any money lately.  this friendship is going nowhere." -- chris.


"when i was little, i thought your bosom was your butt.  so i always got really confused when the scriptures said you get a burning in your bosom." -- brenna.


jon: "liz, i could never marry you."
liz: "what??  i would be a ballin' wife, you know that!!"
rob: "a bawling wife?"


"look, i'm a sexy gargoyle!" -- jon.


liz: "how the heck did this movie earn a sequel?"
chris: "it probably ends in a sea of boobs.  that's the only explanation."


"this road is bumpy.  like an asteroid field." -- corbett.


"there are two kinds of people in this world.  those who see alan rickman and think, 'snape'!  and those who look at him and think, 'hans gruber'!  i prefer the second type." -- braxton.


"kiss my ring.  not the ring on my hand, you are not worthy.  kiss my toe ring." -- chris.


kyle: "how did mary poppins get her powers?"
corbett: "she was a prostitute that had relations with a wizard."


"when in doubt, be a champ; like me." -- brenna.


liz: "a tickle tickle tickle!"
chris: "a slappy slappy slap!"


"stop it, or you won't get your birthday!!" -- a first grader i worked with once.


liz: "you're full of crap!"
lindsay: "everyone is full of crap."
chris: "not me.  i clear my colon every hour."


"there's a creature in my hot fudge!!  i have to blog about this..." -- lindsay.


"my humor is like a fine wine.  people have been known to get drunk on my jokes." -- chris.


liz: "oh no!  reggie [the dog] just kicked over the pile of folded clothes!"
dad: "tattletale."


"you can't spell turd without u." -- chris.


"i think we should start a secret society where if anyone says elmo, we punch them in the kidneys super hard." -- braxton.


liz: "you guys can't say that brad pitt is sexy!  you're all straight!!"
chris: "as in, i'm headed straight for the next boy i see!"


liz: "i wonder why mulan climbed out of her blankets when she was wearing that bandage.  such a bad idea."
lindsay: "shang, i have two good reasons for you to send me home."


"i don't have enough middle fingers to tell you exactly how that made me feel." -- rhonda-lady.


"is that guy naked or is he just wearing khaki colored everything?" -- chris


"liz, i don't know how you're going to write everything funny that i say on your blog.  i'm like...a witbox.  i'm a box of wit." -- kyle.








i can pretty much guarantee that more will follow.


my friends and my family are stinking funny.


obviously.

conundrum.

a while back,


i was in a public restroom


when i noticed the diaper changing table.






it had instructions written on it in english


and in braille.






at first i thought, 




wow, that's really considerate!








and then i thought






...man, it must really suck to be blind and changing a diaper.

MOAR obsessions.

i quite like earrings.

...okay, fine.








i'm obsessed.

i counted all my earrings the other day.

i have 109 pairs.

ONE HUNDRED AND NINE.










i may have a problem.

general conference, day 2.

the second batch


of my conference drawings.

general conference, day 1.

every general conference,


I draw pictures of the speakers


without looking at what I'm drawing.




it started out as a funny little exercise 


to keep me conscious.


and now, it's a tradition.


here are the drawings of the day.


(please note: I adore every last one of these men and am in no way trying to make fun of them.)